and its because i don't feel the same way i did towards you anymore.

it's just like a metamorphosis i experienced.

perhaps the realisation that i want to achieve more in life,
to meet more people without having you frown upon,
getting on in life without having to report like a dead fish,
and that if we were a perfect couple, we probably met too early for our own good,
all fell upon me overnight.

i had to think about your feelings each time i do anything, and worrying if you did think the same to me each time,
i had to constantly hold my phone in my hand just in case i missed your call and ended up getting scolded, i think i developed some anxiety illness.
i had to make you happy at the extent of me myself being unhappy but i didnt care.
i had to make sure everything i did was pristine, immaculate and correct so that you would not pick on me each time you discovered smthg wrong.
i had to hide all the above feelings in case you thought i was being demanding.

you changed for me, yes you did.
but it was too late because i realised something else during the process of knowing that i didnt want to get too serious too soon.
and when i finally plucked up the courage to tell you i wanted to end everything,
you so willingly changed for my sake.

i kept all my feelings into a trunk,
i made myself think that I was wrong and we could start over and I could fall back in love with you again.
You were right, i hung onto you because i thought about our 3 long endearing years of relationship, you being able to make it big in the future, and because bread is more important than love.

then this one month proved that i was so wrong.
perhaps it was because i pressured myself so much to listen to you each time, i felt so freed when i didnt have to answer your calls and the little voice in my head didnt remind me to call you anymore.
i saw you going around in circles trying to get me back, you suffering trying to make me yours again, you sacrificing a lot to make me return to the girl you loved last time.
i saw all those.
those tears, those smses, those letters.
You told me i won her. the "her" i wanted to win so much in my life.
but i no longer feel happy about my winning.

so what if i won?
previously i could be dancing around in circles, but I couldnt do so now. it felt weird.

you ask me what do i want right now.
i could tell you heaps-
the fun i missed out last time, the gatherings i did not attend, the time i lost with my friends spent w you, and the freedom i like right now.

you ask why I'm doing this to you now.
i could tell you a bit-
because i do not know how else to explain to you because you demand an answer to every question you have.

im sorry because i cant give you what you really want.
but this is the best way to do it.

i totally flunked bloody MSTs.
why?
because,
a) i wasnt 1000000% prepared.
b) i was tired each time i took the test.
c) I kept thinking of the next paper that was coming after i finish that paper.

so, a combination of A, B and C = expected low marks for MST.
i can no longer lie to myself that heck, its just a 15% weightage and i can take this lightly and work hard for the upcoming semestral exams.

why did i fall into sucha hole?!
Bloody shit.

I should go overseas and lock myself up somewhere on a quiet island and mug hard for any exams that come by. with no computers, no handphones, but with my fave tidbits and a person to study with me. Bf is excluded- because i cannot study with him around.

ZZZ.

Anyway, its over so i shouldnt harp on it.
I cut my fringe into bangs! WHAHAHA. and layered my hair.
perhaps i will get a hair colour next.
but i want to wait for my hair to grow before sending it into curly waves.

oh, IDEAS proj, apologies to my group members for sleeping at home while you sweeties go hunting at town. (i was too damn tired, but i know you all are too! :X)

and, im sick.
maybe no school tmr for me.
:]

sealed. and sent.

oh.my.god.
it has been eons ago since i last updated my blog.
to think i thought i would be active enough to blog about all stuffs that happened everyday on Day1 when lim hui juan first start'd my blog for me.

E-learning week next week,
MST the next next week.

Alrightes.
so my knowledge on year long modules ended ever since 1st MST ended,
and my knowledge on semester long modules hasnt yet been accumulated.
Great. HaHaHa.
and there's a hell lot of projects going on.

Ideas. FoM. OM. CRS.
Thanks ar. I'm the wonderful leader for the Ideas project. (oh btw my grp name is called Cyberkids! :D ) and we're going to go down town one day to visit chanel, LV and topshop. YAYNESS. an excuse to shop also! WAHAHAHA.

Ok stop. I've no money. shop what shit?
*slaps.

school's been a fugly bitch all this while.
and life's pretty much screwed also.
I realised i need to study hardhardhard. because someone just told me that the tourism industry will not hire poly students (even though justina tok today just told me that they wl need about 700,000 people by 2010) and they're looking for retirees and housewives more.

T_T

okay lor.
whatever shit im going to be in the future, i need to bloody get my GPA UP first dammnit.

alright. blog abt today.
so uhh,
theres this perth trip going on next feb 08, sounds fun, since i have been giving Australia as the answer whenever people ask me which country i wanna visit the most in my life ever since i was in mummy's womb.
So, yeah.
the price's okay. Twothousanddollars. 8D7N.
but then LHJ told me that theres no nightlife in Aust, everywhere's quiet by 5pm.
ERMS.
that kinda shook me.

5pm?!
I end sch at 5 on Fridays hello. and on somedays i even go town after sch.
so i cannot imagine staying in the hotel when its only 5pm, and trying to tuck myself in when its 6pm (and the sky is alr dark. wth.) and my family members in singapore are still waiting for dinner to be served at tampines mall, perhaps even going shopping at the supermarket after dinner. no amount of hot chocolate is going to arouse me to sleep at 6pm in the evening shitz.

but sis' going to beijing later next month. shuang lor. so mum said when she's away in china, we're going on a genting escapade WHEEEHAAAA! that sounds better somehow. (:

its 9pm. im going to plan my exam timetable and incoporate shopping + sentosa trips into it. but then i probably have lesser time to study shit.
life sucks.

goodluck to my friends at ny in their A's.
i know your lives temporarily suck more than mine.

haha

Birthday pics!
9TH OCT 07 : [Thank you for the surprise! You girls (+ guys) make my 18th birthday special and memorable!! ]

Lovely Nanny and Sexy Justina (Gosh.)


Pretty Huijuan!


Not bimbotic MEH!?


During Class!



Chocolate Fudge Cake with 17 candles.
(1 already taken away by tok wei lin.)


You only get to do this once a year!
So, pose pretty.


At Marche:



lovely!




YAY Joy is getting heavier and heavier by the day!
:]

i think i kind of morphed.
i no longer crave for new clothes new bags new accessories, neither do i want to take the trouble to shop online.
i forgot all about searching for the important ibanking kit, where my bunch of keys lie.
i wake up dreading each day every morning, and today the most because there's 5 straight hours of tutorial + lectures.

...okay continue later. LATE.

i didnt wait too long for this day to come.
thank you to everyone whom sent me the birthday greetings, regardless of whether its through friendster, sms or calls. it just made me feel someone out there in the world of mine still knows it s my bday without me reminding like a reckless twelve year old kiddo.

too many things happened and I feel tired to list them out one by one.
and perhaps there's still one tiny part of me thats nagging inccessantly away at choice i made.

and im getting all too emotional and pms-ing nowadays, i see the cynical side of every soul i meet. i feel like slapping everyone awake, only to realise in the end that I was the only one whom has been sleeping all this while.

whatever it is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
finally Eighteen.

Holy. i actually grinned to myself when i saw these!


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

your wonderwoman(:

eighteen; 09th oct 1989
bvps cchms nyjc
CSCC , StudentMentorAndRelationsTeam.
SP tourism && resort mgmt [DTRMFT1A/04]

she's missing you, right this very moment.